Tammy couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Her jaw slack in shock and vaguely aware there may be a drip of coffee dribbling it’s way to her chin. There’s my bloody makeup ruined she thought. 45 minutes for nothing. Then ‘omg, what a thing to thinking of at a time like this’ Oh, I am an awful friend she thought. But what could she say? For the first time in a long time Tammy had no words. Not just nothing to say, there was always something to say, but right now. She literally had no words.
Oh Carly she thought. My brave beautiful Carly. God knows how long she had been staring at her for. It seemed like forever, yet both ladies were frozen in time. Paused, for just a while with the world rushing around past them, fading into a slight background noise. And there they stayed. Looking. Just looking into each others eyes just like that time they had met at their very first day back in school. Tammy had never seen a real life baby deer before the day she met Carly in class. Standing there with this wild look of fear in her eyes all gangly legs and clumsy arms grappling at her books whilst trying to find her seat and Tammy couldn’t help herself. Over here, she called you are next to me and over came Carly, who for the next few years would affectionately be called Bambi. She had that look right now, only this time less scared and more fearful, Tammy could all be see her heartbeat right there in the pools of the blue of her eyes.
Carly met her gaze willing herself not to crumble, she put her now cold caramel latte for her shaking hands would now give her away. Please say something Tammy she pleaded, please. Tammy never had nothing to say ever and this unnerved Carly no end. But did she have anything to say back if she did? What was I thinking she thought? Blurting it out like that, and in the middle of freaking Starbucks of all places. At least she had the view she thought and instantly frowned at herself for having a thought as silly as that. Do you remember where you were when your life changed forever she imagined people saying saying. Yes, yes I do. I had the comfy, broken in worn brown leather sofa in the prime spot in that Starbucks, you know the one, the one with the views. It never ceased to amaze Carly all the random things you could think about when talking out loud was just so inappropriate. But god, I really wish I knew what Tammy was thinking.
Tammy wasn’t sure she was thinking. She was feeling, that much she knew. Should I hug her? Hold her hand, shit, shit, shit I need a minute. She could just imagine the teen rolling his eyes at her swearing, middle man always thought mum swearing was hysterical and baba well baba was always nonplussed her dimples and her cheeky grins permanently there mummy’s little angel. It was this thought that brought Tammy back to the world. Back to her favourite Starbucks, back to Carly and back to this.
Tammy stretched out her arms, her violet fingernails extending across the stained beech table, giving it that authentic old fashioned, been here forever cosy feel, to grab Carly’s hand. Right then it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t moved or spoken for an eternity, didn’t even matter that she had no words. All that mattered was there, was them. That was everything and Tammy knew. Lifting her eyes to meet Carly’s who’s eyes where damp too from holding the tears in, both knowing that once they let them free, years of pain and frustration would come flowing out.
They held on tight, just looking, knowing, feeling. This was them, this was now life was never going to be the same.