It’s been a while since I have felt on top of things. I got caught up in the cycle of being too tired to do anything and I mean anything. My house was starting to look like I was competing for Britain’s Worst Hoarder! No joke. ‘I’m too tired’ I would say. ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ Tomorrow became next week. Next week became next month. When does it all stop? When is enough actually enough? Who knows?
I retreated inwards, became my own world just me and her. The two of us against the world. Sitting in a mess of our creation like all was well in the world and this was how everyone kept house. It’s so easy to get lost in that world. To pretend it didn’t matter to come to love the wallowing and the perfect me shaped hole forming around you on the sofa isn’t it. To lose your mojo, your get up and go and not be a teensy bit bothered about if it was ever coming back.
And that’s how we stayed. Day in day out. Days, turning into nights blurred into each other lost in the back drop to yet another Netflix boxset. This is life, this is my life and life can’t be changed can it? I can’t I told myself I just can’t things are just fine.
“Ah, I see just fine are they. Yes, yes I get it now but………surely there is are better things to be than fine”
The cycle kept spinning unable, unsure of how to break it I continued to let spin me around in it’s safe cocoon of denial and chaos. Sofa getting comfier, the real world fading into the distance, human contact achieved only during working hours and a child neglected of any real quality time with a parent who was simply “too tired” to put things right. But surely she deserves better doesn’t she.
She deserves more than just getting on in life. To know more than well, this is it honey this is the world. She needs a good example. A positive role model and to experience the world, not through a screen but for real in real life. With her eyes, her hands, her body her whole life to be cherished and explored as she to explores the whole wide world around her.
So we got up. We cleaned up. And put an action plan in place that would help me, us to regain control of our lives. To live them as they were intended to the fullest. A child like innocence took over and all manner of fun things to do where created. But baby steps where needed first. Slow small steps so as not to overwhelm to but enjoy and saviour and prepare for life itself.
I felt stronger, calmer, happier dare I say but then Rome wasn’t build in a day and nor could I fix it all at once. But I was am getting there slowly one small step at a time and each step is surely regaining it’s bounce.