It was Facebook that done it, always is these days isn’t it! Confirming what she already knew. That they were back, back in the circle forgiven, maybe not forgotten but definitely forgiven the comments showed her all she needed to know and everything fell into place. Turning off the laptop with a sadness in her heart she knew. She knew her role in the group had come to an unwanted end. Removed from the place she had been since the news broke and spread round us all.
We were all so happy it was what was needed but cocooned in their own little world they couldn’t see it. She did, she was happy that they had finally turned the corner but it was such a shame not everyone was. I suppose that’s what happens when things don’t go to plan. One life being rebuilt as another falls apart must of been a hard pill to swallow and honestly hand on heart she can’t say she didn’t see it coming. She didn’t know her all too well but she knew her reputation and it wasn’t the best. She was the outsider you see, the one who wasn’t married, or getting divorced, the one who was the friend of a friend brought in the circle in the excitement of getting back in touch all these years later.
She knew she saw things differently from everyone else, but she always listened to the stories with an open mind, with compassion and advice even though deep down she knew this one was nothing more than a self centred attention seeker, no more than a toddler trapped in an adults body at times throwing tantrums of massive proportions just because she wasn’t getting her own way. She advised the best ways to deal with her even as she thought to herself she just didn’t deserve these people to be her friends. What type of friend done and said those kind of things anyway, the phrase who needs enemies sprung to mind a lot where she was concerned and the past few months where it seemed all communication had ceased had been bliss. Revelling in her new role in the group gave her a joy she thought she would never get again since, well since that incident a few years back but it seemed thing were finally looking up.
But the gang was back together in it’s entirety and she knew, even though no one had spoken the words out aloud. But the lack of messages, elapsed days waiting for replies, everyone being busy all of a sudden told her everything she needed to know without the words actually leaving anyone’s lips.
She tried to make peace with it but this just stuck in her throat unlike all those before them, she had bonded so much more than the last ones let herself become more attached than she should of done even though she knew it wasn’t possible and she really shouldn’t. She remembered what had happened in the past and her pain and scars where still there for all to see. The mistrust, detachment, the protective shell she enveloped herself in. She vowed she would never let anyone do to her what many had done before. The friends who took what they wanted then cast her aside when there was nothing left to take. Discarded like yesterdays newspapers.
So she withdrew, pulled back to reduce the pain she knew was inevitable. But deep down she knew she made the mistake, she let herself get sucked in with false, maybe even imagined, hopes that this time would be different, but it wasn’t it never was and now she was back there. Back on the sidelines watching, smiling, waiting again for the replies to her messages and knowing in her heart that it would be a while, that she wasn’t priority and the jealousy bit her. The green eyed monster was something she dealt with on a daily basis but but it was the loneliness that engulfed her first, wrapping itself around her like an old familiar blanket promising never to hurt her, never to leave her and then at that moment in time she knew………
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