Some people always know what they want to be when they grow up don’t they! We all know someone who just knew you know, from a very young age and they steadfastly remained dedicated to their their goal. Unwavering, safe in the knowledge that one day they would make to their final destination and pursue their lifelong dreams whatever that may be.
Me, I was never one of those people. I am flaky, at times slightly unmotivated, an introvert with a lack of ambition. Never a good combination really. At 12 I remember being absolutely convinced I wanted to work with children, specifically in a nursery. At 14 as part of my health and social care studies, I worked in our high schools playgroup run by students. I absolutely hated it from then on I hated kids, all of them. These days it’s more of a joke but still working with children just isn’t for me.
I then needed a new career path. I can’t exactly remember how, or why, but I decided I wanted to be a physiotherapist. My career advisor gave me my options and after passing my GCSE’s I started A level biology, psychology and chemistry. I lasted 5 months before dropping out. Turns out I wasn’t the studying kind, go figure! That’s that being flaky thing rearing it’s head again.
Three months shy of my 17th birthday I landed my first ever job stacking shelves at Home Bargains. This lead me down a slippery road. Never being truly happy, or satisfied, I flitted from job, to job. Back to a previous one, sometime three at a time, sometimes just the one. Wandering aimlessly through life unable, mostly unwilling, to change my path just accepting what fate had thrown at me. And here I stayed. In life’s limbo, floating leisurely in the bumpy waters and riding the tide to see where it takes me.
Enough is enough though. For a while I have felt restless and ill at ease with things. No longer a victim of circumstance but rather of my own doing and that just didn’t sit right. Panic set in an a change was needed because my unease wasn’t just affecting me. There was someone else to consider. Pursuing a goal and following a career path I thought I wanted was affecting my home life and Olivia was suffering. I told myself I could make it work. I loved my job and the sacrifices were worth it. They weren’t. The more you give the more people take and the more they expect. There wasn’t enough left. For me or for Olivia.
A decision was long overdue and desperately needed. Other options were considered, enquiries made but ultimately thwarted. All my hard work slowly being undermined and my position wanted by another at all costs. Costs to me, not them, exacerbating my plans, decisions fast forwarded and put into writing all being final. Ironically back with the first, and what I thought would be the last company I would work for.
So now it is decided. I am free to find more suitable employment to pursue the thing that I have decided is what I have ultimately wanted wanted to do. And I have never been so scared, yet exhilarated. It has always been there, not so much of an ambition say, more of a thought in the back of my mind. Never really believing, or been encouraged. People like me don’t do things like that. Waste of time they say, oh really, yeah ok, they snigger. But put off I won’t be. There is a will, a desire I have never had before and a determination to prove them all wrong.
For now I finally have the answer to my question, what do I want to be when I grow up? And the answer?
I want to be a Writer.