Vacancy: Child Whisperer.
Qualifications: Experienced preferred, must be a quick learner able to think on their feet.
Location: Live in.
Duration: Temporary to cover sickness, although may be made permanent.
As a matter of utmost urgency, there is a position available with immediate effect for the above mentioned position. The ideal candidate will come with a host of previous experience in the relevant fields, including but not limited to efficient bedtime placement, chore coercion, being able to effectively capture and extend short attention spans, be familiar with repetition on a frequent basis, fluent in all child based language and current meanings/slang, skilled in the art of persuasion and mind control without being too obvious. Advantageous if mood control, insolence adjustment, time management, event planning and scheduling sometimes all at once can be effectively demonstrated and permanently implemented.
Qualities sought include passion to clean up mess that magically appears in a space tidy less than 60 seconds previous, a desire to teach even when the lesson is one you have been at since forever yet you refuse to believe it will not sink in, a calm and peaceful manner exercising self control when you have gone way past the counting to 10 stage and have bitten your lip so hard you can taste the blood. Comfortable with being ignored so frequently you may as well be talking gibberish. Perseverance is a must as well as tenacity, drive and selflessness.
Candidate will be required to live in and negotiate stressful situations on a daily basis, hourly during school holidays. Example scenario’s again including but not limited to bed extraction, suitable diet, meal planning and ingestion. Enforce homework times and attempt successful removal of the lazy babysitter (TV). To confidently ensure hygiene standards remain at acceptable levels and time out hours between the hours of 8.30pm and 7.30 am daily with no exceptions. To be consistent, cheerful and in control 100% of the time regardless of tantrums, stubbornness, especially in the face of blatant disregard for all rules, requests and reasonable demands eg bedtime, teeth brushing, and getting ready on a daily basis.
During training the successful applicant will be taught a variety of skills to be able to manage efficiently. Training in in stress management and relaxation will be covered and copious amounts of coffee, tea, cake and alcohol will be provided daily.
Wages, hours, holiday and sick pay are open to negotiation however hours do tend to run outside of normal working hours pretty much every day. Days off and holidays can be requested but chances are they ain’t happening, ever! Sick pay is rarer but can be discussed.
Please submit all application in writing stating why you are the perfect candidate for the role for consideration.
Disclaimer: This is not attempt to replace myself without Olivia noticing, although I doubt she would notice as I am not a) on the Disney Channel or b) a you tube unboxing star! It is a light hearted advert for help as I became Olivia’s unwitting sharing partner and new host for her germs and wrote this while unsuccessfully whining/begging/bribing her to go to bed so I can have an early night. As usual I was completely unsuccessful resulting in this. Which pretty much sums up my whole half term week with madam! Olivia is unaware of this post for now and thus remains unscarred by my replacement attempts at time of publishing. Saying that if anyone fits the bill you are more than welcome at my house anytime! I’ll even supply, sorry, share the cake.