I want to lose some weight but…… there is always a but. Usually, a big one with me and I don’t mean literally as strangely I don’t actually have a big butt considering my size. But metaphorically speaking, I always have a big but. I always want to lose some weight and the motivation is always strong in one of the many, many moments I decide that this is it and enough is enough.

However, it is never enough. That image, that one situation past or yet to come is never quite enough to keep me from falling off the diet wagon over and over and over again. Regardless of what I see or scroll past on my phone. The desire I find in the most random moments that give that push to make a change or to keep implementing the change is always short lived.

I make the decision.

I start my day. But inevitably I will always derail myself for one reason or another. Be it that same day or even a few days later. My motivation wanes and I seek solace in something sugary or so loaded with calories and carbs that I wallow self indulgently in my excess I have totally forgotten about the ‘life-changing moment’. The one I vowed I had experienced to keep me following the thing I so want to follow.

I have discussed it so many times on here.  How I want to lose some weight. How I am changing my lifestyle and eating habits. And in those moments I am 100% dedicated. I feel the words on the page and they are so true. I want that to be me. The ‘me’ I want to be with the drive and desire to push through with my goals. And not lose the will to keep going on the right path and not fall face first into a chocolate cake.

Does this make me a liar and all the things I have written about losing weight lies?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BXNPe1bA8jf/

They feel like it. To me, as I write this I feel like I have been lying to you all as you wish me well on my journey. But it wasn’t lies then. And it isn’t lying now. I do try. Not for too long or very hard before I give up. But I do try and I do want to succeed as I type away and share my feelings and attempts at changing. Surely I’m not alone in feeling like this? It sounds so stupid to say it is a struggle. Food can be an addiction. And whilst I wouldn’t go as far as saying that this is what I have, it is definitely something I struggle with every single day.

Also, the thing is I am just not any good at sticking to a lot of things. 2019 was going to be my year of doing and keeping on top of things. And whilst this is working amazingly well in my life for work and keeping the house in order. It isn’t working at getting my appetite in check or keeping my fitness goals consistent.

Is there a reason why? Could it be that I simply haven’t had that light bulb moment flipping some sort of switch in me? Or is there another reason? Something else that is stopping me achieving what I want to achieve or am I just my own worst enemy?

Consistency is something I am yet to crack in certain areas of my life. Whilst I am managing it for some things, the ever elusive road to being healthier and fitter still seems to elude me.

I can hear you thinking to yourself just shut up and find some willpower. And you know what. I hear you and I tell myself that every day. There is no reason physically or mentally stopping me from losing the weight I need to. I am not wanting to do it for anyone else. I don’t feel the pressure from other sources to lose weight nor do I feel like I should be ashamed of carrying extra pounds.

The vilification of overweight people in the press and in social media disgusts me as we seem to be fair game. Stripped of who we are as people and all our achievements just to be a target for sad pathetic people to judge attack and make fun. For no reason other than they think they can and they should as they hide behind their keyboards and the anonymity the internet provides them.

Still, this isn’t pushing me to lose some weight.

I have no care for what others think of me and my size. I care about how I feel and I feel that my body simply cannot cope with the extra weight. So why, after all these years am I still struggling to do the one thing I know I need to do?

Why does each day involve copious amounts of food and dwindling amounts of physical activity? I’m not sure I will be able to answer that anytime soon. Maybe I quite simply am not ready to discover why I lack the willpower and am unable to break this vicious cycle so I can lose some weight.

What I can tell you is I won’t stop trying. And when you see posts on losing weight pop up. Don’t roll your eyes and think here we go again. Because I will try for however many times it takes to find the thing that works for me and help me lose some weight. To help me get to where I really want to be and live the life I should be living instead of being a slave to my appetite.