*This post isn’t a woe is me a post. I am more than happy being single. But every now and again I do wonder, has the fact that I’ve been single for so long made me forget how to love and be in love?*
I can see giddiness in their faces. Their eyes sparkle and happiness is radiating from them in waves. It’s infectious and you can’t help but smile along with them. They are the brides on Say Yes To The Dress. Marrying the man or woman of their dreams. So happy. So in love. Just so content.
But as I watch them slip in and out of dress after dress after dress I can help but let my mind wander. Could that be me one day? Should that be me? But somehow I just can’t see myself there. True love and happiness? Nah, thanks but no thanks it’s not in my future. Not written in the stars, just a big void where love should be.
Is just me? Have I subconsciously decided that actually no I don’t want that in my life? I really don’t know. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti love. I don’t pour scorn on those who are experiencing the delirious highs of being in a loving relationship. Nor do I mock the ones who have passed through the honeymoon stage and are now quietly comfortable with each that they automatically know what the other wants or needs. Far from it. They are happy, I’m not one to burst their bubble. It’s not something that irks me or makes me feel uncomfortable or left out.
Life Is Passing Me By.
I have become a spectator of life. Watching the world go by in all its glory and people dancing along behind the main float as they join in and partner up. Like the girls who never get asked to dance, only if I did get asked I’m fairly certain I would say no.
There becomes a complacency in having been single for so long. The absence of love not missed after a while and pretty soon not needed. Not the kind of love you can get from a hug from your kids or the comfort of having family around you. But that all consuming I can’t breathe without that other person love. When you just know it’s right and forge a future together, envisioning a life of love and happiness well into old age when you sit side by side in rocking chairs reminiscing about days gone by.
Destined To Be Single Forever.
Has being single for so long jaded me? Have I convinced myself that all is done and dusted and the butterflies that come with your first kiss was all just a figment of my imagination? Can you even talk yourself out of love and is that what I have done. As I stand here content but curious all the same as to if I have just forgotten or if the fire inside me is extinguished for good.
Can that be? Is it true, that my neglect of the heart has caused amnesia of sorts and I am blindly wandering the side streets unable to find or even see a love that’s possibly right in front of me? What will happen if the amnesia is permanent? Will something, or someone be able to jolt my memory and clear the fog so my heart can feel and head remember, the joy of an embrace, the electricity that sparks when two people feel something special and wants to explore something more?
But what if I have truly forgotten how to love. And in my blind, loveless state stumble through life, watching others experience joy and a bond that will forever be just out of reach tantalizingly close to my fingertips yet never within my grasp. If all I am left with is a now faded memory. A memory of something from a time not yet forgotten like a dog-eared postcard, or a photo album packed away marked memories do not open.
I’m not too sure how to feel about this. My mind, like my heart now numb to all things directed at love and its trimmings. Will I learn to love again, to feel love and more but more importantly do I want to learn to love again?