Have I Forgotten How to Love?

*This post isn’t a woe is me a post. I am more than happy being single. But every now and again I do wonder, has the fact that I’ve been single for so long made me forget how to love and be in love?*

I can see giddiness in their faces. Their eyes sparkle and happiness is radiating from them in waves. It’s infectious and you can’t help but smile along with them. They are the brides on Say Yes To The Dress. Marrying the man or woman of their dreams. So happy. So in love. Just so content.

But as I watch them slip in and out of dress after dress after dress I can help but let my mind wander. Could that be me one day? Should that be me? But somehow I just can’t see myself there. True love and happiness? Nah, thanks but no thanks it’s not in my future. Not written in the stars, just a big void where love should be.

Is just me? Have I subconsciously decided that actually no I don’t want that in my life? I really don’t know. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti love. I don’t pour scorn on those who are experiencing the delirious highs of being in a loving relationship. Nor do I mock the ones who have passed through the honeymoon stage and are now quietly comfortable with each that they automatically know what the other wants or needs. Far from it. They are happy, I’m not one to burst their bubble. It’s not something that irks me or makes me feel uncomfortable or left out.

Life Is Passing Me By.

I have become a spectator of life. Watching the world go by in all its glory and people dancing along behind the main float as they join in and partner up. Like the girls who never get asked to dance, only if I did get asked I’m fairly certain I would say no.

There becomes a complacency in having been single for so long. The absence of love not missed after a while and pretty soon not needed. Not the kind of love you can get from a hug from your kids or the comfort of having family around you. But that all consuming I can’t breathe without that other person love. When you just know it’s right and forge a future together, envisioning a life of love and happiness well into old age when you sit side by side in rocking chairs reminiscing about days gone by.

Destined To Be Single Forever.

Has being single for so long jaded me? Have I convinced myself that all is done and dusted and the butterflies that come with your first kiss was all just a figment of my imagination? Can you even talk yourself out of love and is that what I have done. As I stand here content but curious all the same as to if I have just forgotten or if the fire inside me is extinguished for good.

Can that be? Is it true, that my neglect of the heart has caused amnesia of sorts and I am blindly wandering the side streets unable to find or even see a love that’s possibly right in front of me? What will happen if the amnesia is permanent? Will something, or someone be able to jolt my memory and clear the fog so my heart can feel and head remember, the joy of an embrace, the electricity that sparks when two people feel something special and wants to explore something more?

But what if I have truly forgotten how to love. And in my blind, loveless state stumble through life, watching others experience joy and a bond that will forever be just out of reach tantalizingly close to my fingertips yet never within my grasp. If all I am left with is a now faded memory. A memory of something from a time not yet forgotten like a dog-eared postcard, or a photo album packed away marked memories do not open.

I’m not too sure how to feel about this. My mind, like my heart now numb to all things directed at love and its trimmings. Will I learn to love again, to feel love and more but more importantly do I want to learn to love again?

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
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  1. I think love crops up in the funniest of places! I’m sure if the right person came along you would learn how to love again. I mean how do we know how to fall in love in the first place? You’ve got me thinking! #KCACOLS

  2. I totally believe in fate and living life as a lesson. Take it as it is and it might happen when you least expect it xx #KCACOLS

  3. I haven’t heard of this TV programme – it sounds great! This is a thought provoking post on a subject not written about often #KCACOLS

  4. You and Olivia are your own unit now so it obviously must be hard to let someone else in as you have to think about her too, it’s not as easy as just wanting to meet someone and falling in love right? #KCACOLS

  5. I am confident that love finds people in the strangest of places and times. even if it doesn’t loving yourself will make all the difference. #KCACOLS

  6. I’d given up on love and thought no one would take me on with 2 small children. How wrong I was! Enjoy being single but keep your hopes up 🙂 #kcacols

  7. A thoughtful and thought-provoking post! I guess the important thing is to be happy whether you’re single or not and be comfortable with who you are. Too many people get into relationships and kind of lose their own identity, or settle for not-quite-good-enough for fear of being alone. And you get trapped. I think it’s essential to love yourself as much as you love your partner. Whatever happens, keep an open mind. You never know, life might surprise you! #kcacols

  8. I honestly think that these things all just fall into place when the time is right (and usually when you’re not expecting it!). I always wish I’d met my husband when I was younger, but we both agree that if I had, we would never have clicked in the same way and to be honest, I don’t think we would have got on half as well as we do now. It’s a cliche, but when the time is right for you, it will happen. And it will happen! #kcacols

  9. Just like the other ladies say, it will find you when you list expect it! At that point you will be ready. It’s not that you’ve forgotten, it’s just that the right person isn’t there xxx

    Stopping by from #kcacols

  10. I felt exactly this way when I divorced after 11 years with my first husband. I was convinced I was incapable of ever loving again, that I would be on my own forever. When my second husband came along all of those wonderful feelings came flooding back, the butterflies and the excitement, the fact that I was falling head over heels in love….it will happen for you too. #kcacols

  11. If you are meant to find someone you will. Keep living your life and when you least expect it there they will be.

  12. One of my best friends got divorced a couple of years ago and felt like she would never meet someone again, she is now totally in love and expecting a baby which was a massive surprise as she has a 15 and 18 year old already. I suppose life is full of full of ups and downs and you never know what is around the corner! #kcacols

  13. I am a great believer in fate and it will happen when it’s meant to happen. Everything happens for a reason xx #KCACOLS

  14. Okay, a lot there and please don’t readd this as dismissive, as that’s not the tone that is meant here. You are happy single (or content) you say, so it’s not that you’ve forgotten how to love (no one forgets how to love – love either hits you and sweeps you along or it doesn’t – think of anyone whose acted like a fool because they fell in love?) So what has happened, is you aren’t prepared to settle. Settle for less happiness than you have now. Settle for a lessor version of life than you have now. And guess what, that’s fine. That’s actually what we should be aiming for. However, it is nice to share a life with someone, and we a fed from birth by the media, books and movies, the church and society that we should have that as our goal and it will be wonderful. That wiring is really hard to change. It is great to share a life BUT if you are happy with your life, that makes it a little harder. (Other than the need to procreate, most of us fall in love as teens/20’s because we don’t have much of a life to give up to the new relationship). SO, if you meet someone fabulous, you will fall in love and you will be happy to make compromises on your happiness to be together. If you get on tinder and met a few average dudes who are ok but don’t do much for you, then you won’t fall in love. They are offering LESS than what you have. I hope you meet someone and they bring you happiness. I hope you don’t settle for a relationship for the sake of a relationship. I think we need to be re-educated and teach our kids better. A lot of this stuff is just antiquated wiring that we can’t fight because it’s ingrained. Either way, single or as a couple, I wish you happiness. #KALCOLS As an interesting aside, I am married but from time to time I travel alone or eat in a restaurant alone. I have noticed waitresses just treat me normally, but male waiters are very uncomfortable by this, even with my ring on. They will continually talk to me as they walk past (even if I’m busy writing) and chat while they bring the food. It’s a strange behaviour. So I think women are learning it’s ok to be alone but men feel ‘sorry’ for you because they are taught that wiring.

  15. I totally agree with Lisa Pomerantz. It always appears when you are least looking for it in a my opinion so maybe it’s on the horizon. Sounds like a cliche but maybe you just need the right person to make you feel it again. x

  16. I’ve been there. After my second divorce I really started to wonder if the whole “love” thing was just a bunch of bs. I’m now close to celebrating my ten year wedding anniversery. Some of us just need a bit more practice I guess #KCACOLS

  17. When it hits, and it will, it will catch you off guard and be at the very least and last place you would ever expect. I know people just like you. Just be. Be you, beautiful authentic you, and BOOM! One day… Love yourself first. #KCACOLS xoxo

  18. I am single and have been for nearly three years now. I can’t imagine getting together with another person now. I can’t imagine disrupting the stability of mine and Cygnet’s life. I wouldn’t want to put Cygnet through the challenge of meeting a new partner of mine. He has struggled with meeting his father’s new love interests.
    There is a wonderful podcast from the New York Times called Modern Love. I am an addict. There was one episode a few months ago that I think you might really like. I have included the link:

    There is time yet, if love is actually what you are looking for. I don’t mean to say that you are old (not by any stretch). I just mean to say that you have years and so do I.

    Pen x


  19. It will happen when you least expect it and also when you are ready! When you find the right person it will all fall into place 🙂 #KCACOLS

  20. this post resonates with me at the moment not for me but for a friend. she is experiencing some tough times. im a great believer of things will happen for a reasons. #KCACOLS

  21. I think the thing is that you often can’t recall how it feels to be “in love”, or how to love, until you are actually there and doing it. Love – and lust – are often emotions that knock you off your feet when they crop up unexpectedly. And then they change anyway. I’m very happily married, but I only know with certainty the feelings that I have now in this aged, comfortable relationship. We went through that breathtaking passion, the electrifying moments and all consuming thoughts of one another. I know we did. But I can’t clearly remember how to do those things either, because my relationship has moved on. So I don’t think it has anything to do with being single, and whilst it may have all slipped from your mind, I don’t think it is permanently forgotten and that it would come back just like riding a bicycle if the moment presented itself. Love truly is a funny old thing. #KCACOLS

  22. You sound undecided but you are reflecting and questioning and that has to be a good thing.
    I am married and I often wish I wasn’t in one way just so there was a chance of the heady love of yesteryear or to be in charge of the remote!

  23. I think it depends on what you want. If I split with my fiance, I’d just never look again. I wouldn’t be bothered. It’s probably an odd thing to think about, but I think everything else in my life would be enough for me!


  24. If you’re meant to find love then it will happen – you will know when the right person comes along. The important thing is being happy as you are and not worrying about what you think you should be. Don’t let life pass you by, grab challenges and opportunities – you never know where it might take you! #KCACOLS

  25. Firstly, I adore Say Yes to the Dress!
    Secondly, I think you’ll love when the right person comes along. It’s great that you’re comfortable being single and being you. It’s the most attractive quality . #KCACOLS

  26. When you are ready to love and be loved, it will all fall into place. I was single for many years, lived alone and loved being able to just spoil myself! Then I met my wonderful husband.x #KCACOLS