I have just been putting Olivia to bed and she asked me this question,
“Mum when I have babies will Elsa* still be their auntie?”
Elsa* is her cousin. All our girls are really close like sisters. But that is the problem. She doesn’t have her own sisters and brothers. I have decided to stop at the one child.
Regardless of the fact that I am terminally single, I chose a long time ago not to have more than one child and Olivia would quite possibly be an only child. You may think this is selfish of me or sensible, but tonight it made me feel quite sad.
That one simple innocent question. Olivia may never have siblings, she may never be an ‘auntie liv’, have nieces and nephews. Her children will never have cousins or aunties and uncles and why? Because I selfishly chose to deny her this. Yes her dad could still go on to have children so she may be someone’s half sister but it won’t quite be the same as if I have another baby I don’t think.
I know she is lonely and this makes me sad at times too, but putting it into that perspective,forgetting childhood, passing over that to being at the age I am now, she wouldn’t have what I have, 3 sisters, nieces, nephews she would never have that whole family there and she may be all alone. Her only only chance to be these things resting on the person she chooses to be her partner.
That is something I will have to live with. A choice I am making for seemingly selfish reasons makes me think, should I be allowed to make this choice and take all this away from her and is it the right choice ultimately? Is it worth going though it all again to be able to give her the family that I have?
I just don’t know what to do? Do I go against everything I have ever wanted and been against? Or do I stick to my guns and say no, I said one and I’m sticking at one? There’s no denying that there will be an age gap, a really big age gap but is any age gap better than having no siblings at all?
I absolutely at this moment in time, and since I have had Olivia, do not want another child. I never have done but does that make me a bad mum? A selfish one or am I helping to give her a better quality of life by knowing and stopping at a point which is good for me and not having any more kids. Could having more make things better or worse? Only time will, but then we may be out of time if it appears I was indeed wrong…….
*name has been changed