My brains registers the sound within milliseconds and bang on cue my body groans as I heave over onto my other side to find the source of the screeching. It is indeed my phone and the noise is silenced for the next 5 minutes anyway. I do my usual morning run through of the should I, shouldn’t I argument. Today warrants an extra 5 minutes in bed despite what the flashing numbers on the phone screen tell me. No one is the boss of me you cannot tell me what to do. I hide, trying to put off the inevitable school morning chaos.
Yet 5 minutes later I prise my heavy eyelids apart and engage my mouth. It’s the only way to do it. Not always effective but it works on occasion and I proceed to holler at the offspring and her cousin to get the hell out of bed. Ironically I too am debating an extra 5 mins as I decide I don’t need a shower and can snooze for another 10.
Seconds later I find myself stood in the room of death faced with 2 almost lifeless bodies. Both pretending they haven’t heard me or the 6 various alarms their own phones have been belting out for most of the still pre 7 am morning. It’s too early for this I mutter. I make my way to the bathroom as I try to remember exactly how many Tassimo coffee’s I have left and is it enough to get me through till 9 am.
GET OUT OF BED NOW!!!!!!
The countdown is on and against my better judgement it’s now 10 mins later and the 2 sweaty teenagers, as they are collectively known, are still glued to their beds as they mimic inanimate objects. They aren’t fooling anyone but my desire to be clean wins out and I head in the shower as a torrent of threats leaves my mouth.
Phrases such as “if you’re not out of bed in 10 seconds you are walking to school” are mixed in with some classics such as “it’s fine, you stay in bed and when you are late for school, coz you will be as I’m not taking you, you can explain to your teachers why you are late”. The thing is the secondary school is way more strict than primary. I know at some point the fear of telling their teachers they are lazier than a teenager on a cold school morning….. oh wait…… anyway that will always work.
I repeat my well used phrases and mantra over and over for the next 30 minutes until I finally get some responses. True, they are just grunts but seeing bodies out of bed means a win. As I’m already dressed after my shower and on my second coffee it’s about as good as it’s going to get.
But it’s already gone 7.30 am and for the love of God, I do not know where your glasses are I swear! You took them off your face, you should know. But my powers of detection are running as low as my patience today and I refuse to move from my coffee. So I furrow my brow and give the mother of all side-eye glares whilst muttering
ffs not so quietly under my breath. But it’s not as if anyone listens to me anyway is it?
Around 7.45 am the breakfast bowls come out with a clatter as we pretend to do our eating cereal performance. Sure it goes into the bowl, with 3 pints of milk, but really how much of it actually gets eaten is anyone’s guess. Usually, I hedge my bets on 4 spoonfuls before the whole charade is disregarded for someone else to clear up as they suddenly realise that a) they lied to me before bed and DON’T have their school bags packed and b) they can’t find their homework. By this point, I am indifferent and remain a spectator in the sport that is teen school morning chaos.
WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW!!!!
Come 8 am, there are 10 mins left and there are still no glasses, no shoes on feet, teeth or hair brushes in sight. My warnings are replied with “stop rushing me” and “I am doing it now”. Both of which illicit yet more eye rolling. I swear I will make myself dizzy one day. But on we go in this manner. The school morning groundhog day dance which we practise again and again and again with little to no variation.
It’s 8.09 am and finally, we have made it to the car. Today isn’t the day to follow through on my threats. I did twice last week and I think (could be totally off the mark) they may have heeded my warning and know I am as evil as I am shouty before my 4th cup of caffeinated goodness. There was no calm, the breakfast dishes are languishing in the sink and tears have been spilt at the sight of the once-tidy kitchen now decimated in the quest to make it out of the house on time. The remnants of my coffee are now sat in the microwave awaiting my return.
But this routine isn’t done………..
The 3-minute drive which is inevitably more like 13 each way at this time of day comes with gems such as “I swear tomorrow you are walking” or “remember that day you were both ready on time and I did the school run in 15 mins? I wish that was today”. Or my absolute favourite as this comes with hand gestures *waves hand in front of whatever child is occupying the front seat* “hello, is anyone in there? Do you know where we are?” I genuinely suspect my niece at least has no idea what is going on before school.
I am proud to say that whilst (majorly) flawed, the routine kind of works. Sometimes! And the girls have never been late for school. There was that one time she forgot her PE kit but such was traffic I sent her in without it. I CANNOT REMEMBER EVERYTHING I HAVE TO REMEMBER YOU! Then that other time I kicked them out of the car screaming “run for your lives you have 12 minutes before the bell!“. But to be fair that one was caused by a major crash and was no way hampered by me leaving 5 mins later than usual. Just saying!
And repeat until Friday.