Last night I got a text off my mum, it read,
“Can I take Liv to Pontin’s for 4 days in August?”
Yes of course, not going to refuse an offer like that thank you very much!
My mum and her partner are taking Olivia and 2 of my nieces, not the babies, to stay at Pontin’s for a mid week holiday in August. As we are all currently struggling to be able to afford a holiday my lovely mum decided to take the girls so they didn’t miss out due to us all being crap savers! Her words not mine but she’s not exactly wrong if I’m honest.
So there I was rubbing my hands with glee, mentally packing her suitcase, as the holiday just so conveniently coincided with my 2 weeks off work, what a result! 5 days, child free, home alone, young (ish), free and single! Oh, the things I could do, no commitments, nothing just me and my laptop and hours and hours to blog and tweet. To comp and play bingo! That’s right people I’m living the dream here! Honestly that was the first thing that popped into my head I swear how sad is that!
But after that first wave of joy, I know I am a horrible mum and I’m absolutely, positively do not have the countdown app ticking the days off on my phone at all, it’s for something completely different, honest. I did feel a little bad for my excitement (no too bad though), and I realised it would be her first proper holiday without me. I wasn’t worried about her, I was worried about me.
What was I going to do without her for nearly a whole week! She would be out there, having fun, partying, eating ice cream, getting a tan, getting addicted, yet again, on the 2p machines, building sandcastles weather permitting, swimming etc Oh, the fun and I will be missing out on all of it.
She will be making new memories, and having new adventures without me. Growing up and being independent, and having something which we won’t share and I will never be part of, and I’m not sure I like it at all. I should be there with her, doing all this with her. She’s too young to not be needing me, isn’t she?
I think not I think it’s me. I know it’s me. Not ready to let go and accept that she no longer needs me to be there all the time. I don’t want her to have memories that I’m not in, that we can’t share but ultimately I’m scared of missing out. Missing out on things I don’t want to and missing out on her making new childhood memories. And I have to admit it hurts a damn sight more than I thought it would!
So in a few weeks when you notice you can’t get rid of me on twitter, or I’m throwing out new blog posts like there’s no tomorrow you will know it’s because I’m missing my partner in crime!