My Social Anxiety and Me
To all the people I’ve crossed the road to avoid, it’s not you, it’s me, honestly!
I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point, haven’t we? We all have our own reasons for not wanting to talk to someone or make eye contact. Maybe you’ve had a long day, it’s been a bad day or you quite simply are not in best of moods. We all have our reasons, don’t we?
But have you ever thought to yourself, upon catching sight of someone “Oh I haven’t seen you for so long, how have you been? It’s lovely to be able to catch up!” But by the time the conversation has run through your head, you are mentally worn out from steeling yourself for the upcoming small talk that you have now subconsciously made the effort to avoid them. Thus reducing any semblance of human interaction to a simple nod or smile or a “hey how are you” shouted over a road of busy traffic. You see, I have and quite frequently do.
So trust me, it’s really not you, it is me. Socialising and making small talk, being surrounded by more than a few select people, it takes effort. A physical and mental effort which, I am not going to lie is draining.
“But I can see you scrolling on your phone” you are thinking. And yes, I totally am. Because the words on my screen require no effort from me and little to no interaction. I’m not trying to be rude, I promise. I am just simply trying to cope.
So you just don’t like people?
Yes and no. True yet false all at the same time. I can handle you one on one and if I feel comfortable, you will no doubt find the chatty me, slightly sarcastic, deadpan and more self-deprecating than is possibly healthy. That is when I am fine and I put on quite the show of looking and being ‘normal’
But stick me in a situation where I feel a little self-conscious and awkward or where there are a lot of people? You can say hello to the deafeningly silent other side of me as my social anxiety kicks in full throttle. So yes, it is false but also very slightly true. Saying I don’t like people, to me, means crowds of people and interacting with others so much it is draining, leaving me feeling like I need a day in bed to recover (a social hangover if you will!)
The side that fidgets nervously whilst constantly checking out her surrounding whilst simultaneously wondering if she can get away with leaving now. The person who checks her phone so much it literally never leaves her hand, even if it is in her bag.
Because honestly, it is a safety blanket.
Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash
It is something to occupy my time and attention whilst I wait for leaving time when I can go home. A time when I can lock myself away to lie down and not talk or interact with anyone. Something resembling bliss.
So whilst you may see me and think me rude or unsociable, I really do not mean to be. Turning down your invitations over and over so you stop including me. It stings but is totally understandable and I know. I know exactly how it looks and must feel for others but honestly, sometimes I quite simply can’t. It’s not me really just my social anxiety tightening it’s grip once more.
Can’t do what you think? Or spend time with your friends? Spend time enjoying yourself? Again this couldn’t more true yet false all at the same time. Imagine pushing yourself to do something you are so completely and utterly terrified of and then imagine doing that in a room full of others. Carrying with you that feeling that not only is everyone watching you but also talking about how silly you look sat there pretending to be normal. Because try as you might, you cannot think of anything to say and sit nervously looking around just in case someone does try to engage you in small talk. “Stop being so paranoid,” you say. “No one is even paying any attention to you!” You may know that. Hell, even I know that, but that doesn’t block out the thoughts of the feelings. it doesn’t magically make them stop. It really doesn’t work like that.
Right then, in that moment, in that situation, all I can think of is what on earth am I going to say. Alongside worrying about having to mingle or even wait in a bathroom queue/the bar/counter/etc with other people. You may not see the fear, the stress, the nervousness but it is there. The odd lip bites or drumming of fingers a slight giveaway but can you see I am doing my best to hide it? Or am I not hiding my social anxiety all that well?
So excuse when I make my excuses not to come or blow you off. Or choose to not introduce myself or join in a conversation with you and/or others I don’t know. Or even cross the road when you see me coming you see, it isn’t really you. It most definitely is me. Me and my social anxiety.
Comments
Thank you for sharing about this, Tracey, it’s really interesting. I recognise a lot of this in myself as well, although probably not quite as strongly as you experience it. I do like time to myself more than most people and I too feel a need to recover when having been social. And I too love interacting with people online, but don’t feel a great need for much interaction IRL xx #KCACOLS
A very honest & informative read! I’m sure it will help people reading this – & others to be more considerate #KCACOLS
Great post! The honesty is amazing. I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. I understand how difficult it can be and I understand how extremely difficult it can be to talk about Thanks for sharing! #KCACOLS
A very thoughtful read that I can totally emphasise with. My PND kicked my anxiety back into full force so I find attending baby groups mentally exhausting. My other half can’t understand how I say I feel lonely but then struggle with days filled with people. Much love to you #KCACOLS
I totally understand the idea of a social hangover. I find being surrounded by people for a long time to be really draining and it’s not because I don’t like them, I just really need my own time. I’m just back from a couple of nights away on a houseboat with my husband, children, in-laws and sister-in-law and her family and as much as I enjoyed it, I felt completely mentally exhausted in the car on the way home. I had to shut myself away in the bedroom after we got back, just to be completely alone, recharge and breathe! #kcacols
What an honest, soul baring post and how great of you to share it with the world. Opening up about these issues will hopefully encourage others to do so, which is a good thing. I hope you can find a way to deal with these social situations more comfortably in the future. #KCACOLS
Great piece. Hopefully people are understanding, but I totally understand how you feel. Anxiety is such an awful feeling. #KCACOLS
Interesting post. I appreciate your honesty and giving the rest of us a little bit of insight into how sufferers of this feel and how we may be misinterpreting their actions #KCACOLS
I too have social anxiety and j ow what hars work it is mentally to worj with. Sending love abd tbabns for being so open about the condition X #kcacols
I once didn’t leave the house for six months, so I totally get you and if you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. #kcacols
Love your honesty. I am not much of a small-talk person myself. I only hang out with a handful of very good friends a couple of times a year — on our birthdays! I really would rather be at home reading blogs. I enjoy my own company!
#kcacols
Good post. It’s hard for people to understand, but once you learn about it, you see it everywhere. #KCACOLS
Such an honest post. I can either be really sociable or completely the opposite, it depends on how I’m feeling really! #KCACOLS
Social anxiety sounds so hard to deal with and open to misinterpretation #KCACOLS
Oh my gosh. How wonderful that you can write the article you have. It was a lightbulb moment for me reading this. Weirdly I am much better anywhere but my home town.
Big issue which is more common than people let on – talking about it is first step to overcoming it.
This is almost like I could have written it myself! Big hugs to you x
As others have said this is a really useful and brave post. I’ve crossed the road etc and have learnt now that it’s ok not to sit with people I know on the bus if I don’t want to. They probably want their own space too. Thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo
I also suffer with social anxiety and have stopped going out with friends and going away with my partner. I would recommend some cbt.
I found this a very touching piece to read. It must be difficult to articulate how you feel and how and why you may behave the way you do but you have done it so eloquently. I think we all love a bit of seclusion but for many that is a choice and not a situation forced by anxiety. You have provided a valuable insight into the difference. A beautiful piece. #PoCoLo
Thanks for sharing your feelings regarding social situations. It makes me wonder if lots of people have somehow been thrust into social situations at a young age. Rather than being prepared for such situations.
Maybe some are more prepared than others. As tv seems to report that those who attend private schools network, and build connections for future business life, etc.
I think the draining, exhausting effect of social anxiety is very underacknowledged. Great piece, thank you.
Talking about it is a massive step forward – good for you
Thank you for sharing this with us. It helps me to understand people who may not love social contact all the time. I have a friend like this and sometimes I do get frustrated when she turns down invitations, but I really do believe social interactions wear her out. Great to know!
Very interesting and heart felt article