It’s taken a while for me to put the metaphorical pen to paper about what happened with my career change. I just don’t know where to start really but I am hoping that by getting it out it will be somewhat cathartic. It wasn’t and still isn’t an easy topic for me to talk about. I have feelings of shame, anger and frustration about the whole thing and from here out I fear I will forever have a bitter taste in my mouth when discussing this chapter of my life.
As I said I’m not sure where to start, where to pin point exactly where it all went wrong for me. Maybe it was that day a little over 4 years ago when I decided to revisit a role from my past. To rejoin a company that had previously employed me on more than one occasion. Perhaps on my part I was looking through rose tinted glasses, harking back to a simpler, more carefree time in my life. Before major responsibilities had kicked in, but those days were well gone and far, far behind me. But still I wasn’t budging, this is where I wanted to be. My very first employer was to be my final one.
Yes, even back then, I had decided that this was my final and forever job. I would finish my working days here and it would be amazing. Naive yes, optimistic, very but oh so very desperate for it to work. This I feel is why it has been that extra bit worse to finally sever all ties. Coming to terms with the fact that all my hopes and dreams, my planned future career path and life. Basing it all on my success in this one place and expecting more than it was ever going to give me. I wasn’t the same person as before and now I needed different things from my employer, I needed more. I needed understanding and flexibility. I needed to be a parent and an employee but I also the career. To be able to prove, to myself, that I could do it, I was good enough and what I done mattered. But I was wrong. The focus was wrong and loyalties shifted to a place that should never of come first.
I enjoyed it. I know I did. At first back then. Those in a higher position bolstering my confidence and guiding, pushing me to do more, achieve more, be the best I could be. I believed them. It’s not that they were wrong, but unlike them I couldn’t make it my whole, sole focus of my life. I was a parent and that my main focus, my career a dead second. I made the choices. I too wanted more and I chose to pursue. To take the career path and evolve from a part time position to a full time time that would hopefully satisfy that urge. Would it be enough, would I be enough and was there enough of me to go round?
I tried, god knows I tried. I gave everything I had and then some. Wanting to prove you could have it all. To balance work and home. Being a mum and having the career. For a year. I battled, I worked, I pushed and strived and for what? Yes, I was supporting my daughter and forging ahead at work but my life was falling apart. My daughter, could count on one hand the amount of time she stayed at home in any month. The late nights were taking their toll and I was drained, exhausted I had no more to give.
Time was passing but I was stuck. Stuck in an endless cycle of neglect and stress. Surviving on coffee and snacks and losing time. One school year passed into the next and I had no idea how or when but I knew I needed to stop to make a change. I was just kidding myself I was happy. Being happy in my role made it all better, made it more bearable when I was missing out on things. Assembly’s, displays, progress. The lies had to stop. I had to stop.
But how, I mean, when this is what you had your heart set on. Did I have the guts to admit that this wasn’t right? Things weren’t right. Deep down I knew they weren’t and in my heart I had already made the decision but my head was reluctant. What about the bills, the rent, the upheaval? Is it truly worth it and more importantly could I do it. I kept saying I would but talk is cheap, words come easy and they needed definitive actions to back them up. Empty threats mean nothing do they.
Taking a step was what was needed and I knew I already knew the answer to my problem. My daughter deserved more than what she was getting, more than the leftover parts of me and more so, I needed her but I still needed to take the leap and make the change.
Not wanting to dwell on this or give them more importance than they are worth but every now and again comes a person so devoid of any conscience, soul or character. Someone so full of ambition, and themselves, they are willing to step on and destroy anyone who gets in their way to get what they want, that you actually feel sorry for them. Someone to be credited with being so completely despicable that they actually helped me make the jump. Being hot headed and in no way a pushover my fight or flight response kicked in and I fought back. I chose to fight for me and my life, family and happiness and to end my career before he done it for me. He was very good at a game I didn’t want to play.
But now, now I am rebuilding. We are happier. I am learning a new trade and embarking on a new chapter in our life and with this post I finally put the last nail in the coffin of the person that was formally me. I knew it was the right decision one I made for all the right reasons this time and with my head held high. Onwards and upwards.
With 2016 comes a new me, a new start, and a new life.