So there I was standing at the bus stop minding my own business on a Sunday morning. I had spent the past couple of hours primping and preening and getting ready for my first ever bloggers event. I had been shopping and in true mum who is broke and needs things to be practical style picked out an outfit, by myself, that I deemed to look good and tick the afore mentioned boxes. I had new clothes and new shoes on and I thought I looked half OK, like maybe 7 out of 10 for effort.
A photo posted by Tracey Bowden (@onefrazzledmum) on
So as I said minding my own business, feeling good, confident and wondering where the hell this bus was. Then in a split second from behind me a white van flew past. Ha, white van you know where this is going don’t you. As it flew past I heard “Hey, Fat Arse” There was literally only me around. No one else, and before I realised the van was gone just as quick as it went past. And with it I was left standing there feeling like a fat old frump who had no place wearing these clothes and definitely shouldn’t be trying to fit in with or even show up at the event. The wind had well and truly been taken out of my sails and all my insecurities came flooding back. I wanted to go back into my house and forget about being out in the world and being me.
3 little words was all it took to make me feel worse than I have felt in a long time. To make me want to hide away feeling like a failure. A fattie. A big girl. A greedy bitch. My self confidence was already low and it went from hovering around none existent to gone. Just like that. Isn’t it amazing what a flippant remark from a faceless voice can do. A faceless voice who at that moment decided to derive a laugh at someone else’s expense. I wonder what on earth possessed him, because it was definitely a man to shout out at me standing there. Was I the only person picked out on that drive to be humiliated or was I merely one in many?
Less than 5 minutes later as I was dwelling on the words, manically chewing on the inside of my cheek and feeling more and more self concious the bus came round the corner. I got on the bus. I got on and sat down opposite my friend who was meeting me and off I went. I left those nasty 3 words at the bus stop evaporating into thin air where they belonged and got on with my day. In doing so I broke away from those 3 words that were designed, intentionally or not to make to feel like I worthless because I am carrying a few extra inches on my arse and various other places too and raise cheap laugh at my expense. Words meant to shame and humiliate the person attached to that fat arse because society deems those extra inches to be wrong and disgusting. Now let me tell you Mr.White Van Man,
Those words had that much of an impact on me I had forgotten all about them before we even got off the bus!
I know why I have those extra inches, I am not blind or in denial that yes, I am plus size. I eat a lot. I eat the wrong foods at the wrong time and have an appetite that could compete against Adam Richman in his Man vs Food days. But do those extra inches mean that I should listen and accept the abused hurled at me. Should I feel bad for being fat, arse, tummy and all. Am I any less of a person because of my size. The answer is no. No I am not and nor should I or anyone else be made to feel that we are because of the size of our bodies, fat, thin or anywhere in between. With all the sh*t going on in the world should it really matter that my size 8 clothes all have a 1 before the 8? Personally I think it says more about them than me because if they have to make themselves feel good by belittling me then they are the ones with the problem not me.
So do you know what. I am going to keep on being me. I’m going to continue to try and be healthy as I was anyway. I am going to carry on going to the gym, as I was anyway, because I enjoy it. I am not going to take those words to heart and overhaul my diet because someone thinks I have a fat arse. I am going to keep on trying do it for me as I was anyway. In short nothing has changed. I wont hide away and I won’t change me because someone else has an issue with my body because you what, I have better things to do with my time.
So Mr. White Van Man, you can take your words and stick ’em because I am,