I sat down, my legs open to rest my laptop on my knees I told myself but that wasn’t the reason. The truth to my sitting like a pregnant woman was that there was too much stomach in the way to sit in another position. This was confirmed by the stabbing in my chest as my bra wire cut into me as my half squatting position condensed my body forcing my chest to rest on my sizeable midriff.
Currently, I am weighing in around 3 stone heavier than the day I gave birth.
Things seem to have gotten seriously out of hand. I have known this for a while. My last attempt, as with all those that have gone before, lasted 6 weeks and I miss that. I miss the girl with that determination. But she is still here somewhere, I know she is. I can hear whispering in my ear. We need to sort this out. We need to move more, do more, eat less. But somehow she got drowned out as once again life took over.
So tonight, I stood in front of the mirror to take stock of me.
Just stop and look and ask me that all important question. Do I feel happy with my weight today? Right now looking at yourself in the mirror. Do I? Because as much as I champion the plus size figure, using the excuse of body confidence and telling myself that it doesn’t matter what size I am I should own it, I am just not feeling it.
And right now, in 2018 I am not feeling confident in myself or my body. I honestly do believe that we should all love the body we are in and embrace who we are but should that still be the case if it is making me unhappy? Not to mention unhealthy. It’s been a steady decline over the past 10 years, wings and roundabouts but there’s no denying I will never be the size I was before pregnancy.
I know losing weight won’t automatically make me happier.
I know losing weight and being ‘slim’ isn’t how I should judge myself. I definitely don’t judge others by this. But if my weight is affecting my day to day life surely I need to make the decision to change, change whatever needs changing and do something about it.
So here I am, sat at my laptop writing this after my first workout in about 3 months.
I haven’t weighed myself. I won’t. I haven’t measured myself either. I’m not sure I want to know. But what I do know is that for the first time in my life I have had to order a size 20 trouser for work. While I am, have been ok with this for my top half thanks to my now 40f chest, for someone who has always been smaller on the bottom, ordering clothes for my legs in the same size as my top has pushed me over the edge.
So I got up, put on the now slightly too small Shock Absorber bra and got moving.
I still love and prefer quick workouts, stamina has never been my strong point so it was back to The Body Coach TV on Youtube for me once more. And you know what, I’m glad I did.
But how long will it last for and will I be able to contain my excessive eating habits? Only time will tell. I’m not making any rash decisions or cutting major food groups out. For now, for this week, the change I am making is to move more. Every other day I will challenge myself to open the laptop and do a workout. For this week that is enough.